Just Scream

It is six o'clock in the morning and the house is quiet and still. If September had never happened this would be peaceful. Before this, I had always jokes I should run away every September, dodge the bullet, and just not be here for the bickering that always happened in September. One of the perks of loving a combat vet that was in the army when  9/11 happened. Those ugly purple glasses he wears? He was one of the soldiers at the burning oil fields you saw on the news from the safety of your couch eating greasy leftovers. The glasses are purple to try and help keep his horrific migraines away. September will always be a sad memory here, the divorce I never wanted, but couldn't run away from.
                Can there be something positive from even this? There has to be. I'm not talking about go girl power, you trade up for a better man. He wasn't a bad guy. He was tough enough for 9/11, strong enough for my tumor surgery. But every camel's back has that one straw that is just too much. One more emergency too many. Four days in the hospital for me and a divorce for him. So where do you find something good? Someone learning from my mistakes. Keeping a secret is never good, especially when it involves a rape or any other act of sexual violence. Holding it in is going to kill you, and trash everything around you. You can put on all the weight you want, to desperately hide in. A cocoon so you don't think your attractive enough, and it will never happen again. What if what I have to say is trigger for someone else instead?  For that I am sorry. But instead of my choices, and ending up alone in a house, you fight. You get up, you make that therapy appointment. You can't tell the person that hurt you, well trust me that sh doesn't pan out anyway, but tell the therapist. You have to tell someone, or it's going to hurt you way worse than the way they hurt you. When it gets too be too much, do not self medicate. Work out at the gym, walk around the block a million times until your too tired to think. Volunteer with homeless dogs or anything, just to have some stillness in your mind. Learn everything that can get lost, from me. Twenty years ago, I should have just screamed, I should have fought, hit the guy with anything I could put my hands on. When I got home and my mom was too passed out to take care of me, I should have just screamed then too. Just screamed at her "wake up, be my Mom just effing once". But she was dulling her pain away in alcohol and I was too selfish to care. Then the day after and every single day tell something to someone to fix my own self. All this insight now is just cliche Monday-morning quarterback. But if you do the same thing I did for twenty years, you will be sitting in the same place I am now. Please get the help that I didn't, you really deserve it. You could be so much more happy if you just take care of your self first. Thank you for listening.