Epilogue

Epilogue

How do you live after losing a million things all at once. How do you decide to get up in the morning, to breathe. When you can't catch your breath, because you can't say I love you to the husband you adore. The husband that is the greatest love you have ever had. How do you understand the ugly gossip and opinions spewed about you like vomit. How do you comprehend what the doctor wrote about you in black and white on paper, to be written about you forever. How can she judge me when she didn't know the love that I lost in a single moment. My husband knew the exact moment he fell in love with me. We were on the phone and I was in front of room 102. I had bugged him with a million questions that day. I thought he was cute and nice and I wanted to know everything about him. I figured my questions were too much and I called one more time to ask if I had offended him with my FBI routine, and apologized. That is the moment he first knew he loved me. He hadn't even asked me out yet. When he first tried to ask me out he got so nervous he stumbled over his words adorably, and asked to take me fishing at the "Lake" beside his house. It was a few days before New Years Eve, a cold winter week, I giggled at how he dorked up the invitation. I kept flirting, I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. When he finally stumbled through getting my cell phone number, he couldn't wait to use it, he called at 6:40 a.m. the next morning and asked what I was going to do that morning. I was about to go to the laundromat and he wanted to come along. I giggled and flirted that it was little fast for him to see my panties already. The first two weeks we dated we kissed a million times, and I remember the exact kiss where I completely fell in love with the best guy in the world. He's the man that makes me want to be a better person and I failed him completely, when he never once failed me.
           This last couple of months I have felt like Bella in New Moon, losing Edward, motionless on the couch with her world spinning around her. Except the spinning is inside my head. Losing him is just more than I can understand. My hero is gone and to find a Jacob is blasphemy. I need to be my own safety net and it's hard. No Twilight happily ever after is meant for me, more like "The Crow", with the guy at the end saying "there ain't no coming back"
           And what about that guy? My sinking into this situation. Mr 12/28/90. After not saying anything for over twenty years I finally confronted him. I sent a message I wanted to talk, it took him two seconds to give me his number. After all my fear, every moment of my life wasted over this, he couldn't even read two sentences on my blog back to back. All his years of alcoholism have left him completely moronic and harmless. He couldn't remember a thing, not a moment of violence, not a single time he stalked me everywhere. His main reasoning, "I was your boyfriend I never had to rape you"