What is it about a song that the words can sink into your life and it just makes you think for days. In the song "Heart in a million pieces" by Nate Maingard writes:
"I don't think I can bear this again
My heart's in a million pieces"
My heart's in a million pieces"
With this song I think about is losing my husband over and over. The love of my life is gone, his hatred of me is huge. But I also think what if he came back? Could I survive this break up again? It took five people to keep me from being homeless. When I lost my husband I was evicted from our house and now live in the poorer side of town where I rent a room. Just a room. I was in a nice house with my nice husband with a big back yard now I am in a small room.
The gossip surrounding our break up traveled through parts of the nursing community in this small town. I was vilified and slut shamed. My PTSD because of my rapist wasn't the gossip that was repeated through the girl world at the hospital my hospital my husband works. My depression at times is crippling. The air gets thick with it, it feels like the swamp air in the Chickahominy swamp in July. Since my rapist has spent his whole life working at grocery stores that's where I have panic attacks. Every time I have run into him for the last twenty five years it was at a grocery store. A simple run for milk and bread sometimes isn't so simple.
So here I am listening to this song and it does makes me think. I have told RG that if he could only forgive me I would marry him over and over a million times. He still hasn't divorced me yet, but his hatred is still there. He said things too mean to repeat. I cry going to the grocery store at times, and my name is a curse to him. I remember being a girl so long ago wanting to fall in love with my Prince Charming. A super hero that loved me so much that the mere sight of me took his breath away and he would have to say my name just to breathe. A million miles from that my husband despises me, and my rapist is working at the corner grocery store.
I'm thankful for this song, this true artist. While I'm curled up scared of life, I watch his videos. I can barely go a mile up the road sometimes, but he travels and lives a fascinating life. Playing guitar from South Africa to London, Amsterdam. His talent impresses me. His lifestyle fascinates me. Well today I never left the house, but I did write today and I will cook something healthy, kinda like him.
